


Fractured

by Anonymous



Category: British Actor RPF
Genre: Depression, F/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-07
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2019-01-28 03:55:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12597580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: The bedroom had suffered the worst of the damage. Clothes were strewn about, many of them torn or otherwise destroyed. Makeup was dumped haphazardly, staining the walls and floor like war paint. In the eye of the storm lay the remnants of an antique mirror, a gift from Tom when they moved in together. Dim light reflected from the shards causing strange reflections to play across the room. In the center of the chaos lay Lynn, various wounds across her body sluggishly bleeding.To a bystander it would seem like she had been attacked, using anything she could grab to fight for her life. There had been an attack but Lynn was both the aggressor and the victim





	Fractured

**Author's Note:**

> This is terrible, I know. I wrote most of this at work between phone calls. I just had to get it out.

I looked as though a tornado had torn through the flat. In the kitchen a half-eaten tub of ice cream dripped steadily onto the floor, the puddle creeping closer to the shards of a smashed wine bottle. The counters were littered with torn wrappers, spilled bags of chips and a mess of chocolate and peanut butter that was slowly hardening into a compound similar to concrete.  


The living room was no better. Lynn’s laptop was in two distinct pieces near the bookshelf where several of Tom’s favorite books had toppled to the ground. A pile of glittering rubble was all that remained of her cell phone. The shards sat in a sodden patch of alcohol-soaked carpet that was obviously beyond saving.  


The bedroom had suffered the worst of the damage. Clothes were strewn about, many of them torn or otherwise destroyed. Makeup was dumped haphazardly, staining the walls and floor like war paint. In the eye of the storm lay the remnants of an antique mirror, a gift from Tom when they moved in together. Dim light reflected from the shards causing strange reflections to play across the room. In the center of the chaos lay Lynn, various wounds across her body sluggishly bleeding.  


To a bystander it would seem like she had been attacked, using anything she could grab to fight for her life. There had been an attack but Lynn was both the aggressor and the victim.  


The first time Lynn met Tom she was in the process of throwing his stunt double across the room. Despite her small stature she was surprisingly strong and tossed the taller man around with ease. Lynn was the stunt coordinator for Tom's latest movie and even though some of the cast members had been skeptical at first it did not take long for them to learn to respect Lynn’s skill.  


Tom had been attracted from the start. Lynn didn’t look anything like the usual women he dated but something about her drew him in like a moth to a flame. Standing at five foot three on a good day, Lynn had dark skin, dark hair shaved to her skull, and an attitude that was larger than life. She had fought and clawed her way to the top of her profession and had no problem hitting the mat to show naysayers what she was made of.  


A flirt at heart, Lynn took Tom’s teasing words in stride, not believing that he would be interested in her. When he finally did muster the courage to ask her out she was shocked but politely declined. She did not want to date anyone who was in the spotlight; she valued her privacy above anything and did not need the world to start digging into her life.  


Tom respected her decision but was not going to give up without a fight. He managed to secure her number and over the next few months they exchanged texts and phone calls like a couple of lovesick teenagers. It took eight months for Lynn to finally agree to go to dinner with Tom but her ground rules were firm, they were not to be seen together in public. Tom arranged a fantastic meal at his flat and they spent hours together and sharing stories until the sun started to creep over the neighboring roof.  


Lynn had no idea why Tom was interested in her and often told him as much. He claimed to love her fire and her big heart but to Lynn those were just words. She had her demons and even though she tried to hide them they had a tendency to rear their heads at the most inopportune moments.  


The first time Lynn spent the night at Tom’s flat they had spent a lovely evening watching old movies and drinking wine while curled together on the couch. It was a natural progression to move into the bedroom and afterwards Lynn cuddled close to Tom, smiling as his fingers traced random patterns on her skin until she fell asleep. Hours later she was ripped from her slumber by a nightmare. Her scream immediately woke Tom but Lynn was too startled to accept any comfort from him. Tom kept his distance and as soon as she could move without shaking she was off like a shot, gathering her clothes and practically running out of the apartment. It was a week before she would answer Tom’s calls and another before she could face him.  


Tom was patient and understanding, promising to stand by her side no matter what. He explained that everyone had their demons and their dark moments and he cared enough about her to see her through. Lynn had cried, both relieved and terrified, but in the end she agreed to keep seeing Tom. Their careers kept them apart for weeks and even months at a time but there were days when they both were free when Lynn wasn’t able to get out of bed. She would turn off her phone and refuse to come to the door no matter how long Tom knocked. She was sure that it would be too much, that Tom would tire of her issues but he was always there with a smile and a warm embrace to welcome her back into the world.  


As their careers took off they had to be more and more careful. Lynn absolutely refused to be seen with Tom and more than once they went toe to toe over this issue. Tom understood that Lynn wanted her privacy however he was in love and wanted to show her off to the world. Lynn adamantly refused and gave Tom a final ultimatum; he would keep things private or she would walk. Tom was furious and Lynn felt terrible but she was terrified of having her name in the press. She knew too many people who had made relationships public and the outcome was never pleasant.  


It was weeks before Tom gave her an answer and Lynn counted each day with a thin cut along the skin of her thigh. Twenty three days later the couple met and Tom voiced his opinion. Eventually they were able to come to a compromise, they would not appear in public together but Lynn would attend as many of his events as possible. She could stand in the crowd or enter the venue under the guise of a seat-filler but this way Tom would know she was there supporting him even if she couldn’t stand at his side. When Tom saw the cuts on her legs it did not take long for him to realize their cause and tears pricked his eyes as he reverently kissed each one, apologizing until they were both a crying mess.  


Lynn and Tom dated for over a year before he asked her to move in with him. Again, Lynn was reluctant but eventually Tom’s begging won out and they proceeded to christen the entire flat once she gave her answer. It took some time to get used to their individual habits but soon they hit their stride and were incredibly happy together.  


Lynn still had her dark days and they seemed to come more frequently as of late. With the current influx of action movies more and more stunt coordinators were climbing the ranks and Lynn was forced to fight for her position. The first time she lost out on a big-budget film with a director that she had worked with for years she was unable to get out of bed for a week. She refused to eat and lost herself in sleep. Tom tried to help but she turned her back on him, sleeping on the couch when he came to bed and ignoring him when he came to sit at her side. Each day she wondered when it would be too much, when she would push him over the edge but each day he was right there with a smile and a kind word.  


She should have known that it couldn’t last, she had been too happy for too long.  


Tom was off filming in some remote location. He called when he could and he had left her an emergency number but coverage was spotty and Lynn didn’t want to bother him just because she was having a bad day. She had woken up feeling heavy and just wanted to sleep all day despite the growling of her stomach. Nothing tasted good and she had indulged by having ice cream for breakfast. She could practically feel Tom’s gaze on her but she ignored it and shoved another spoonful into her mouth.  


Lynn didn’t spend a lot of time online and she never looked at the gossip pages but her phone and all of her online accounts were blowing up. With a frown she clicked on the link and dropped the bowl in her shock.  


Somehow her relationship with Tom had become public. Apparently some fans had noticed that she showed up in several pictures of his events and that they always sat near each other in the cast photos of the various films they shared. All of this was speculation but it was enough for the fans to run wild. A few stated that the claims were false, that there wasn’t enough evidence to prove anything but the majority took the idea and ran with it. Apparently Tom had been single for “too long” and that “the evidence fit” into the events of his life over the past few years.  


Unable to look away, Lynn scrolled through page after page and each one was worse than the last. It didn’t take long for people to put a name with a face and soon her entire history was public knowledge. Lynn knew that her look was unconventional and had received some nasty comments over the years but that was nothing compared to the fans and the tabloids. Everything from her hair, to her skin, to her figure to her tattoos were torn viciously apart and unknown to Lynn tears ran down her cheeks as she read article after article.  


Some people challenged her sexuality as well as Tom’s, labeling her as a “dyke” and stating that she was being used to hide Tom’s supposed homosexuality. She was called fat and ugly as well as a whore, using her body instead of her talent to climb the ranks within the industry.  


Lynn couldn’t stop reading and she continued until she reached the very last article. New ones were being generated by the hour, each one with claims more outrageous than the last. Finally her eyes ached so badly that she could not see the screen and she tore herself away, not noticing when her laptop crashed to the floor. With trembling hands she attempted to call Tom but his phone was off and the emergency line had such a poor connection that she could not even hear the message from the answering service.  


First she cried, she sobbed as her heart broke. This was the end of her relationship with Tom, that much was obvious, but she mourned the loss of her happiness as well. It had been nearly two years since they met and she had never been happier in all of her years. Lynn cried until she couldn’t breathe and gasps wracked her body as she attempted to get air back into her lungs. Finally her body gave out and she fell into a restless sleep.  


When she woke her phone was clogged with new messages but nothing from Tom. She attempted to call him again but to no avail. There were dozens of new articles but before she read them she was going to need some supplies. Using the grocery delivery service that was far too overpriced she ordered every manner of junk food that she could think of. Once it was delivered she opened a bottle of wine and logged back in to her computer. This time the articles were even more cruel and brutal than before and Lynn shoved candy into her mouth in an attempt to ease the pain.  


Nothing was helping and she knew that she was spiraling downwards but there was no one to catch her this time. Time and time again she called Tom and left pleading voicemails, begging for him to call her but he never called back. Her thoughts were getting darker and darker and she soon was craving a different type of pain.  


She ate until she was ill and then ate even more. If the people wanted to call her fat then she might as well be fat. There was a stash of razor blades hidden inside her jewelry box and a sigh of relief left her lips as the blood rushed forth.  


After 4 days it wasn’t enough.  


In a fit of rage she hurled her laptop against the heavy bookshelf that dominated an entire wall, curling up and crying in despair when several of Tom’s books toppled to the floor. After finishing a bottle of red wine she smashed her cell phone and doused it in Tom’s favorite whiskey with the intention of setting it ablaze. She couldn’t find any matches and wandered off in an alcohol and pain-filled haze. In the bedroom she pulled her clothes from her hangers, screaming into an empty room as she ruined one fine garment after another. Her makeup case received the same treatment, pigments staining her hands in a rainbow of despair.  


Her anger turned to the antique mirror in the corner, a cherished gift from Tom given to her when they had moved in together. Her reflection seemed twisted and distorted through her eyes and she wondered how stupid Tom had been, falling in love with someone as horrid and as broken as she was.  


Lynn barely felt it when her hand broke through the glass, the delicate bones in her hand shattering upon impact. Blood seeped from the dozens of new wounds as she destroyed the antique, the glass shattering along with the last of her resolve. Sinking to the floor Lynn let her head fall into her hands. "I can't do this anymore. Tom, I'm sorry. I love you and I'm sorry. 

Since she was young Lynn had always had a plan. She always knew that she would need a way out and when it was time to die it would be on her terms. Her hands ached but she didn't even register the pain as she crawled across the floor. Somehow she found a pen and paper and scrawled out her final words. There was nothing personal, simply account numbers and passwords so Tom would have access to everything she left behind.

Lynn crawled into the closet towards the one pair of boots left undamaged. She extracted a bright orange pill bottle and held it close to get chest. There were perks that came with being a stunt coordinator. One of the main perks was that you were on a first name basis with the onsite doctor. Within that bottle lay enough pain killers and sleeping pills to kill a grown man several times over.

She looked one last time at the destroyed flat, at the remnants of her former life and gave herself a nod. 

It was time.

The pills were swallowed dry, the bitter taste a balm against the pain. Lynn crawled back into the bedroom, her vision already starting to swim. She lay down among the shards of the shattered mirror, a sad smile tugging at her lips as she sank into darkness.

Tom swore has he fought to fit the key into the lock of his flat. His hands had been shaking since the moment he saw the first article appear online and it only intensified when he was unable to reach Lynn. His cell was all but useless while he was filming and even though the answering service let him know they had received a few calls from Lynn she had never left any messages. Once he finally had service his heart had dropped. Lynn had been calling and texting for days until his inbox was full and when he attempted to call her back it immediately went to voicemail. Tom let the director know about the situation and jumped on the first plane to London.

While on the plane he drafted a press statement denying his relationship and expressing his disappointment that people would drag her through the mud on mere speculation. The statement sounded harsh but Tom didn’t care, he was too upset to mince his words. He saved it as a draft and spent the rest of the flight attempting to reach Lynn.

He paid the cab driver extra to get him home in record time and he dropped his bags in shock when he stepped through the front door. The flat had the sour/sweet smell of rotting food and Tom’s mouth hung open for a moment as he took in the damage. The small crimson drops on the once white carpet snapped him back to reality and he called out for Lynn.

Running into the bedroom his breath caught in his throat when he saw Lynn. He carefully knelt next to her body as his shaking fingers attempted to find a pulse. “Oh god, Lynn. I’m sorry, I’m sorry I wasn’t here.” Lynn’s dark skin was pale and her lips were tinted purple, dried blood crusted her hands as well as the cuts on her arms and legs. Tom called for an ambulance and forced himself to hold back his tears while he explained the situation. 

It seemed like hours before the paramedics arrived and Tom held her cold hand in his own only releasing her when he was gently asked to move aside. He watched in a haze as she was loaded onto a stretcher and he climbed in the back of the ambulance with her. Tom paced the waiting room for what felt like hours before a doctor finally approached him.

The man’s face was grim and Tom felt his heart sink even further. “Mr. Hiddleston?” Tom nodded the doctor was silent for a beat and it was too much to take.

“Is she alive?”

The older gentleman nodded but his lips were still twisted into a frown. “Yes, Ms. Johnson is alive however the medication did a lot of damage to her system. We pumped her stomach and are attempting to cleanse her system but we’re not sure what the full extent of the damage to her body is. She was barely breathing when you found her and it seems as though her body was deprived of oxygen for several hours. This means that there could be damage to her brain as well as other organs.”

“Will she wake up?”

The doctor shook his head. “Honestly? I’m not sure. We’re doing everything that we can but at this point it is going to depend on how much of a fighter she is. It’s a miracle that she’s even alive, the amount of medication in her system should have killed her in a matter of hours.”

“So what now?”

“We’ll monitor her, do as many tests as we can but right now all we can do is wait.”

Tom nodded and scrubbed a hand across his mouth. “She should have her own room and her own nurse. Money isn’t a problem. I just want to make sure that she receives the best care possible. And this must be kept private. My legal team will be over later with NDAs for everyone. I hope that isn’t too much trouble.”

The doctor smiled slightly. “Not at all. Give us a few minutes to get a private room set up and someone will take you to her.”  


A few minutes turned into an hour and eventually a dark-haired nurse was escorting Tom through winding corridors to Lynn’s room. Lynn had always been petite but she looked tiny in the hospital bed. Her normally warm skin was washed out and the bandages that bound her arms were glaring in the harsh light. Tom sat at her bedside and took her limp hand in his own. Lynn never seemed weak or small to him but now he was afraid to even touch her. 

Rubbing gentle circles into the back of her hand, Tom bowed his head and finally allowed the tears to fall.

Despite the around the clock care, it still took eight days for Lynn to open her eyes. Tom had put everything on hold and only left her bedside when absolutely necessary. He was attempting to read, his eyes merely flicking over the words, when a stirring at his side made his head snap up. It was subtle but Lynn was moving. Tom dared not to breathe as she pulled herself from unconsciousness.

Lynn winced against the harsh light and blinked several times to clear her vision. It took a moment or two for her to realize where she was and once the knowledge settled she began to cry. "Shhh...don't cry, love. It's okay. You're safe. I'm right here...you're okay." Tom's words seemed to make things worse and Lynn choked out a sob before rolling to the side, her back to Tom.

The actor was puzzled, he did not know how to deal with her reaction. He kept attempting to calm her while calling for the doctor. Once the doctor arrived he ushered Tom out of the room in order to examine Lynn. Tom paced the hall until the doctor emerged after what felt like hours. "Is she okay?"

"Physically yes. I don't know how but she seems to be physically well. There's several tests I want to run but she's a very lucky woman."

"When can she come home?"

The older man frowned. "I want to keep her under observation for awhile. We don't treat suicide attempts lightly. I'll be setting her up with a therapist and we'll go from there. If all goes well she should be able to go home in a week or so."

"That's fantastic. I'll let her know." Tom turned towards the room but was stopped by a hand on his arm. 

"There's one more thing."

Tom's brow furrowed. "What is it?"

"She doesn't want to see you."

All of the blood drained from Tom's face. "What?"

"She wants to be left alone. Don't worry, she will still continue to have care around the clock but she made it very clear that she did not want to see you."

"Oh. Thank you, doctor. Please don't hesitate to call me day or night if anything should arise." The older man gave Tom a sympathetic look before turning and walking away. Tom glanced through the window of Lynn's door but the privacy curtain was raised and his view was blocked. With a sigh and a shake of his head Tom walked towards the exit, attempting to ignore the ache in his chest that grew with each step.

True to the doctor's words Lynn did come home a week later. She obediently went to therapy but refused to speak, sitting silently until the clock chimed the hour. No matter how much prompting she was given she would not speak. She wasn't rude and eventually the kind woman who provided therapy signed off on her release stating that Lynn would probably be more forthcoming in the future. 

On the day of her release Tom picked Lynn up from the hospital and was shocked at her state, it had only been a week but she had already lost an alarming amount of weight. Her eyes seemed sunken and started sightlessly out of the window as Tom carefully navigated the busy London streets. Once or twice he attempted to initiate a conversation but Lynn never answered him and eventually he gave up.

It took Lynn a long time to exit the car and each step towards the flat seemed to drag her down more and more. She shouldn't have been surprised to see the flat in pristine condition. On the coffee table sat a gleaming new laptop and cell phone and she didn't have to look to know that Tom had attempted to restore as much as the former data as possible. The carpet was clean and the entire apartment seemed as though nothing bad had ever taken place there. For a moment she felt a wave of emotion and swallowed it back, she couldn't afford to let her mask crack now. If she could just get past the next conversation then she would be home free.

With determination Lynn walked into the bedroom, pointedly ignoring the new glass shining in the restored mirror. Like the rest of the flat the space was spotless and everything that had been destroyed in her rage had been replaced. It was a stretch but she managed to drag a large duffle bag off of the top shelf. It landed with a thud and she started shoving clothes into it, attempting to make as much fit into the bag as possible. Once she left today she did not want to come back.

"What are you doing?"

The muscles in her back tensed for a moment at the sound of Tom's voice. "Packing."

"Where are you going?"

"Away."

The shirt in her hands was abruptly pulled away as Tom knelt in front of her. "What's going on? I came home to find you all but dead, I sat at your bedside for over a week without leaving and when you woke up you refused to see me. I respected your privacy and spent my time cleaning up your mess. Now you say you're leaving. I think after all of that I deserve an explanation."

"I wanted to die. I still do. You deserve so much better, so much more. So I'm leaving."

"Lynn, look at me." The woman refused to raise her eyes from the floor and jerked back when Tom reached for her. "I love you. You have no idea how terrified I was to see you like that. I thought you were gone and I'd never...I'd never get to see you again." The actor swallowed hard and attempted to blink tears away. "I promised a long time ago that I would stand by you no matter what. I've given and given and compromised and done everything that I can to make you happy. Can't you at least give me this? Can't we at least try to make this work? I nearly lost you, I don't think I can stand to lose you again."

Tears stung Lynn's eyes and she swallowed hard. "You're right, you deserve better than this. You deserve someone so much better than me." She pressed the heels of her palms hard against her eyes, the pain keeping her emotions at bay for a moment. "I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry. I should have left ages ago, I should have died but I can't even do that right. I'm sorry, Tom, but I can't stay. I can't put you through this. I'm not going to get any better and you don't need to watch me fade away."

Tom was silent for a long time but his ragged breaths told Lynn he was crying. "What did I do wrong? I thought you were happy. I had no idea that I made you so miserable."

"I'm always miserable. You are wonderful. I just realized that I'll never be happy. People like me don't get to be happy." She sighed and scrubbed her hand over her head, she needed a haircut. "You deserve to be happy. You're the kindest, most romantic, most wonderful man that I've ever met. You need someone that makes you happy too, not someone who is a step away from the grave."

"Don't do this, Lynn. Please don't do this."

Tears threated to fall but Lynn was more stubborn. She forced them back and gently pried the shirt from Tom's fingers. "I'm sorry. I never should have said yes to you all of those years ago."

"Why did you?"

Lynn shoved another garment into the bag. "Because I thought, I hoped and prayed that this time things would be different. I should have known better."

Tom didn't move, he stayed sitting on the floor of the closet as Lynn moved around the flat, stuffing the bag until it was nearly too heavy to carry. She paused in the living room and eventually picked up the new cell phone and laptop. She stopped to stand behind Tom who still hadn't moved. "I'll send for the rest of my things but if you want to throw them out I won't blame you." It was Tom's turn to stay silent. "Goodbye, Tom." Lynn left her house key on the kitchen table and hurried down the stairs, flagging a cab in the process.

Lynn spent the night at a hotel near the airport and spent most of the evening watching the rain streak down the windows. It was cliché but appropriate. Even mother nature was mourning. Lynn's heart ached but she couldn't cry, this pain was too intense to warrant tears. She hoped that Tom was okay, she felt terrible for leaving him but she didn't have a choice. Tom needed love and joy in his life, not brooding silence and suicide attempts. He deserved someone who was not so broken, someone who could love him the way he deserved to be loved. Lynn knew she couldn't love him like that. She didn't even love herself, how could she possibly love anyone else?

Turning off the lights Lynn watching the rain fall and hoped that Tom was safe. She knew it would take time for him to heal. Her decision wasn't fair but it was for the best. Now he would be able to thrive and grow without constantly worrying about her. Lynn knew that she was fractured, too broken to be put back together but she had finally accepted that. Hopefully Tom would find someone to help soothe the wounds that she left and to bring back the smile that she had fallen in love with all of those years ago.


End file.
